PUNS

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?

His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said," I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

And finally,

10. There was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did

WHY AMERICA IS GETTING LOW ON OIL 

Nobody bothered to check the oil.

They just didn't know they were getting low.

The reason for that is purely geographical.

The OIL is located in

ALASKA, California, Coastal Florida, coastal Louisiana, Kansas, Oklahoma  Pennsylvania, Texas,  ~~~

  and all the DIPSTICKS are located in Washington, DC !!!

North to Alaska.

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.  After six months or so, of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man standing there. "Name's Lars, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday  night... Thought you might like to come. About 5:00."

"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks.  Thank you." 

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta  warn you......be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the  best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there, thanks again." 

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"

"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea "I've been all alone  for six months! I'll definitely be there.  By the way, what should I wear?"

"Don't much matter ..... just gonna  be the two of us."

  Ain't it the Truth!!!

A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basic items.
"How much do you weigh?" she asks.
"115," she says.
The nurse puts her on the scale.
It turns out her weight is 140.

The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 foot 8," she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5".

She then takes her blood pressure
And tells the woman it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" she screams,
"When I came in here I was tall and slender!
Now I'm short and fat!" 

Church Bulletins: Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. 

These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."  The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."  

Our youth soccer team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

  Ladies, don't forget the jumble sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

  The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

  Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

  Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

  Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

  For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

  Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

  The Vicar will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."

  Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.  So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

  A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.  Music will follow.

  At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"  Come early and listen to our choir practice.

  Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

  Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.  Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

  please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

  The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

  Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

  The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.  They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

  This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

  Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

  The vicar would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the bar-b-cue next Sunday.

  Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

  The 6th formers will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

  Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the Methodist Church.  Please use large double door at the side entrance.

  The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge--Up Yours".

DENTAL APPOINTMENT.

A Scotsman asks the dentist the cost for a tooth extraction.

"£ 85 for an extraction sir," was the dentist's reply.

" £ 85!!! Huv ye no' got anythin' cheaper?"

"That's the normal charge," said the dentist.

"Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anaesthetic?"

"That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and knock £15 off."

"Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without an

anaesthetic?"

"I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the price

could drop to £ 40."

"How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, have yer student do the

extraction with the other students watchin' and

learnin?"

"It'll be good for the students," mulled the dentist. "I'll charge you £5.

But it will be traumatic."

"Och now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman..

"Can ye make an appointment for the wife next Tuesday?"

How many men would buy this surgery for their wives?

Typical Management

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me,can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

 The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.  "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technical ! lt's correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be in management."  "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going.  You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

  Sad news...

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is

worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went

unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Cokey" died peacefully at the

wonderful age of 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in........ And that's when the trouble really started!

Adam & Eve.

God was just about done creating man, but he had two things left over in his

bag and He couldn't quite decide how to split them between Adam and Eve.  He

thought He might just as well ask them. He told them one of the things he

had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up.

"It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one

of you had a preference for it."  Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged,

"Oh, please please please - it seems just the sort of thing a man should

have. Please! Pleeeease! Give it to me!"

On and on he went like an excited little boy. Eve just smiled and told God

that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it.  So God gave Adam

the thing that allowed him to pee standing up.

Adam was so excited he just started weeing all over the place - first On

the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he tried To

see if he could hit a tree stump ten feet away - laughing with delight all the

while.

God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve, "Well, I

guess you're kind of stuck with the last thing I have left.

What's it called?" asked Eve.

"Brains", said God.

Shopping

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
 * 2 litres of low fat milk
 * a carton of eggs
 * 2 litres of orange juice
 * a head of lettuce
 * half a dozen tomatoes
 * a 500g jar of coffee
 * a 250g pack of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out.  A drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated," You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the Drunk as to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Because you're really ugly."

P.M.'s PHOTO OPPORTUNITY

Tony Blair is doing the photo-op rounds of a hospital. Towards the end of

his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of people with no obvious

signs of injury.  He goes to greet the first patient and the chap replies:

"Fair fa' your honest sonsie face,

Great chieftain e' the puddin'.race!

Aboon them a' ye tak your place,

Painch, tripe, or thairm:

Weel are ye wordy o' a grace

As lang 's my arm."

Tony, being somewhat confused grins, and moves on to the next patient and

greets him. He replies:

"Some hae meat, and canna eat,

And some wad eat that want it,

But we hae meat and we can eat,

And sae the Lord be thankit."

The third starts rattling off as follows:

"Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie,

O, what a panic's in thy breastie!

Thou need na start awa sae hasty,

Wi bickering brattle!

I wad be laith to rin an chase thee,

Wi murdering pattle!"

Tony turns to the doctor accompanying him and asks "What is this --the

mental ward?

"No," replies the doctor, "It's the Burns unit."

A-Z of Essex English

ASSA COMMONS - Our Parliament Building.

  ART ATTACK - Extremely perturbed, as in "Don't tell Sharon, She'll have an

art attack."

ARST - Past tense of ask. "Jordan, I must've arst ya free fazzund times to

clear up yer room."

BANNSA - A person employed to deny access or eject troublemakers at a

club."Dave's got izself a job as a bannsa."

BANTY - A chocolate and coconut snack bar.

BAVE - To wash oneself.

BOAF - The two. "Oi Dave, ooja fancy most, Sharon or Tracy?" "Boaf" is the

reply.

BRANSATCH - Motor racing circuit in Kent.

CANCEL - Administrative body of a town. "Darren, wive ad annuvva letter from

the cancel."

CANTAFIT - Fake, as in money.

CHOONA - An edible fish purchased in a tin and usually prepared with

mayonnaise.

CORT A PANDA - A big hamburger (smaller than an arf panda)

DAN TO URF - Sensible, practical.

DANNING STREET - Where the Prime Minister lives.

DANSTEZ - On the ground floor , where the biggest telly is.

DREKKUN - Do you consider? as in "Which dog drekkun'll win the next race?"

EFTY - Considerable. "Ere, Trace, this credit card bill's a bit efty."

EJOG - A small, spiky animal (hedgehog).

ERZ - Belonging to her.

EVVY - A big geezer who protects a smaller and more intelligent geezer,

usually for money. "My name's Frank and this is my evvy, Knuckles."

EYEBROW - Cultured, intellectual.

FANTIN - A jet of water for drinking or ornament.

FARVA - A posh way of saying Dad.

FATCHA - Margaret, British Prime Minister 1979 - 1990.

FINGY - A person or object whose name doesn't come to mind. "I ad it off wiv

fingy last night."

FONG - Skimpy undergarment.

FOR CRYIN AT LAAD - Mild expletive showing annoyance or surprise. E.G."For

cryin at lad, Britney, if I say Yes will you give it a rest?"

GAWON - Go on. "Gawon Darren, eat ya granny's cabbage, it'll do er good."

GIVE IT LARGE - To be thorough or enthusiastic.

GRAND - A football stadium. "It all wennoff atside the pub near the grand."

HAITCH - Letter of the alphabet between G and I.

IBEEFA - The Spanish holiday island.

IFFY - Dubious. "Ere, Trace, I fink this bread pudding you made last munf's

a bit iffy."

INT - Indirect suggestion. " I gave Darren a sort of int that it was time to

wash iz feet."

  IPS - An unknown area of a woman's body to which chocolate travels."That

Mars Bar will go straight to me ips."

  JA - Do you, did you. "Ja like me new airdo, Sharon."

JACKS - Five Pound note. "Lend us a jacks, wilya?"

JAFTA - Is it really necessary? "Oi mate, jafta keep doin nat?"

KAF - Eating house open during the day.

KAFFY - A girl's name.

LAD - Noisy. "Jordan, turn that music dan, it's too lad."

LARJ - Enjoying oneself.

LEVVA - Material made from the skin of an animal.

LOTREE - Costs £1 for a ticket.

MA BLARCH - An arch near Hyde Park.

MAFFS - The study of numbers.

MANOR - Local area.

MINGER - An unattractive person (usually woman).

NARRA - Lacking breadth, with little margin. "Mum wannid to come rand but

changed er mind. That was a narra escape."

NARTAMEAN - Do you know what I mean? (sometimes used as janartamean).

NEEVA - Not one nor the other.

NES - National Elf Service.

OAF - A solemn declaration of truth or committment.

OLLADAY - Time taken away from home for rest and adventure.

ONNIST - Fair and just, without a lie. "I never did it, onnist."

OPPIT - Go away , as in "Oi you, oppit."

PADDA PUFF - Soft, lacking aggression. "They're alright up front but they

got a padda puff defence."

PACIFIC - Specific.

PAFFUL - Having much power or strength.

PAIPA - Sun, Mirror etc.

PANS AN ANNSIS - Imperial weight system.

PLAMMANS - A pub lunch usually made up of cheese and bread.

QUALIDEE - Good, as in "West 'Am's new striker's qualidee."

RAND - A number of drinks purchased for a group.

RANDEER - Locally. "There ain't much call for it randeer."

REBAND - Period of recovery after rejection by a lover. "I couldn't 'elp it.

I was on the reband from Craig."

ROOFLESS - Without compassion.

SAFF - A direction of the compass, opposite north.

SAFFEND - An Essex seaside town.

SAWTED - Done, arranged, resolved.

SEEVIN - Very angry. "I woz seevin when I urd wot 'e sed."

TALENT - Attractive members of the opposite sex. "Dave's gan dan tan to eye

up the talent."

TAN ASS - A modern terraced house.

TOP EVVY - A woman of plentiful bosom. "Ere look at that, Darren, she's well

top evvy."

UG - An unattractive person. "Sharon's new geezer's a bit of an ug."

UMP - Upset, as in Got the Ump.

VACHER - A document which can be exchanged for goods or services. "I got a

vacher to get in cheap at Forp Park."

WANNED UP - Tense. "I'm all wanned up at the moment."

WAWAZUT? - I beg your pardon.

WENNOFF - A fight commenced as in "It all wennoff".

YAFTA - You must : "Even if yer guilty, yafta av mitigating circumstances."

YOOF OSTALL - A place where holidaymakers can stay the night.

ZAGGERATE - To suggest something is better or bigger than is true."Craig, I

must've told ya a fazzund times already." "Don't zaggerate, mum."

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day just before Christmas, a letter landed on his desk, simply addressed in shaky handwriting to "God".

With no other clue on the envelope, he opened the letter and read:

"Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on the State pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had in the world and no pension due until after Christmas.

Next week is Christmas and I had invited two of my friends over for Xmas dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. God; can you please help me?"

The postal worker was really touched, and put a copy of the letter up on the Staff Notice board, at the main sorting office where he worked. The letter touched the other postmen and they all dug into their pockets and had a whip round. Between them they raised £96.

Using an official franked Post Office envelope, they sent the cash on to the old lady, and for the rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had done.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter simply addressed to "God" landed in the Sorting Office. Many of the postmen gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:

"Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your generosity, I was able to provide a lovely dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift - in fact we haven't gotten over it and our Vicar is beside himself with joy.

By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving bastards at the Post Office."

A furniture dealer from Ipswich decided that he wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris, France to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris (this being his first trip ever to the French capitol), he met with some manufacturers and finally selected a line that he thought would sell well back home in Ipswich. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the one other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and
motioned toward the chair. He invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in

English, but she did not speak his language so, after a couple of
minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of
a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin,
and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.

They left the bistro and found a quiet café that featured a small group playing romantic music.

They ordered dinner, after which he took another
napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance.

They danced until the café closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture
of a four-poster bed. To this day, he has no idea how she figured
out he was the furniture business.

Sky TV have won the rights to screen the first World Origami Championships from Tokyo .  

Unfortunately it's only available on paper view

Tough Guys

Steven Spielberg is directing anew film based around the great composers.

He decides to give it a bit of OMMMMPPPPPPHHHHHHH  by getting today’s film

tough guys to play a role in the film. He calls Stallone, Arnie. Bruce

Willis and Segal in to look at the roles.

 Stallone says,”Well I’ve always admired Mozart; I’d love to play him”. 

“Chopin has always been my favourite, and my image would improve if people

saw me playing him” says Willis, “I’ll play him. 

Seagal says “I’ve always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes” I’ll play

him.

 Spielberg was really pleased with their choices he look at Arnie and

said, “how about you Arnie?” Arnie replied.

“ I’ll be Bach!!”

Instructions for cleaning the toilet:

1. Lift the lid on the toilet and fill it with 1/8 cup of animal shampoo.

2. Take the cat in your arms and stroke it gently whilst slowly moving in the direction of the toilet.

3. At a suitable moment, throw the cat into the toilet bowl and close the lid quickly and either stand or sit on the lid.

4. The cat will now start the cleaning process and will generate plenty of foam.  Do not be concerned about the loud noises coming from the toilet; your cat is enjoying himself.  

5. After several minutes flush the toilet to start the “Power-wash” pre-wash and then flush again for the main wash cycle.

6. Ask someone to open the front door and ensure that no-one is between the toilet and the front door.  

7. Get off the toilet seat and from a safe distance open the toilet lid quickly.  The cat will dry off naturally due to the high speed he will be moving from the toilet to the front door.

8. The toilet is now spotless and as a bonus so is the cat.

With best wishes,

The Dog

Hairdresser 

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less makes your life miserable.

A Woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her boyfriend. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, " Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced   So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.   Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome . "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "That's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican , a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.   Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

"He said, 'Where'd you get the shitty hairdo?' "

Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you;
The next day I stopped smoking.
 
Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you;
The next day I stopped eating red meat..
 
Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you;
The next day I stopped drinking.
 
Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you;
This morning I stopped reading.

Microsoft

An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.

The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop.. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day."

Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a Computer nor an
e-mail address To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day."

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmer's market and sees a stand selling 25 lb. crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit.

Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family. During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day.

By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly.

Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck..

At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their
neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him.

By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard.

Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage.

The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed a million dollars.

Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? No computer! No Internet! Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!"

" Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.35 an hour."
Which brings us to the moral of the story:

Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire.

Sadly, I received it also.

F.A.A.

The FAA in the USA has a device for testing the strength of windscreens on aeroplanes. They point this thing at the windscreen of the aircraft and shoot a dead chicken at about the speed the air- craft normally flies at it. If the screen doesn't break, it's likely to survive a real collision with a bird during flight.

The British had recently built a new locomotive that could pull a train faster than any before it. They were not sure that its windshield was strong enough so they borrowed the testing device from the FAA, reset it to approximate the maximum speed of the train, loaded in the dead chicken, and fired. The bird went through the screen, broke the engineer's chair, and made a major dent in the back wall of the engine cab.

They were quite surprised with this result, so they asked the FAA to check the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA checked everything and suggested that they might want to repeat the test but this time thaw the chicken first.

Smart Dogs

Four men were bragging about how clever their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Council Worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your stuff". T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart but the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff." Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with 12 biscuits. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good but the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone thought that was marvellous. The three men turned to the Council Worker and said, "What can your dog do?"

The Council Worker called to his dog and said, "Tea Break, do your stuff". Tea Break jumped to his feet, ate the biscuits, drank the milk, piddled dead centre in the circle, square and triangle drawn by the first dog, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a complaint for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation and went home on sick leave.

The New Parrot

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said £25.00 "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised. Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith

Lucky Frog

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears," Ribbit 9 Iron.” The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.

"What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man played the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas".

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.

Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honour, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God, or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."

THE HAIR CUT

A young boy had just passed his driving test. He asked his father, who was a Vicar, if they could discuss his use of the family car. His father took him into his study and said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study the Bible a little, get your hair cut and then we'll talk about it."

After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. They again went into the father's study where the father said, "Son, I've been very proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied the Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut." The young man waited a moment and then replied, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."

The Minister said, "Yes, and everywhere they went, they walked."

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While working as a community nurse, this list was circulated around the office by the podiatrists (foot doctors to the uninitiated). A questionnaire had been sent to patients, asking why they required transport to and from the clinic.

These were some of the replies:

I am under the doctor and cannot breathe.

I am a pensioner and also an old person.

I can't breathe and haven't done so for years.

My husband is dead and will not bring me.

I have got arthritis and heart failure in both feet and knees.

I am unable to walk now as my dog has died.

I cannot walk up a hill unless it is down, and the hill to your clinic is up.

I suffer from thyroid and cannot climb as I don't have a car.

I have not got a bus or a husband and my home help comes.

I live five miles from the clinic and the postman says I should have it.

My wife must have transport as she is over 80 and drives me mad.

I must have transport as I have funny feet.

I cannot drive a car because I haven't got one.

Bus drivers do funny things to me and make me feel queer.

I AM NEARLY 86

If mother goes out alone she gets into trouble.

I hope you will send your driver man as my husband is quite useless.

I must have your man as I cannot go out or even do up my suspenders.

When your man brings me back, will you ask him to drop me off at the White Swan?

I can come any time to suit you, but not mornings, as I don't feel too good. I can't come on Monday or Wednesday as home help comes, and not Friday as the baker calls for his money. I can't come on a Tuesday as my sister visits 

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